I haven’t written a heartfelt blog post in quite a bit. Not because I haven’t had anything heartfelt to say, but I’ll be completely honest with ya, re-adjusting to LAC (life after cancer) has been difficult to say the least.
I had grown accustomed to being in some type of pain almost every day, feeling like garbage all of the time, and I was running on fumes so badly by the time treatment was over, I set myself up for quite a road to recovery.
It was worth it though.
I’m not in pain every day, I’m feeling good and able to do things I wasn’t able to do for almost 7 months, and think clearer than when I had the chemoz going on. The chemo brain is still there sometimes, and I’ll get blocked on something and have to take a walk and shake some cobwebs…but it’s going away.
The toughest part of recovery has been fielding emails, tweets, dms, facebook messages, and calls about others going through some horrific ordeals with Cancer. However, I wouldn’t trade this in for anything. I am so honored that people look up to me for advice, guidance…or just someone to talk to about what they’re going through.
I am however, stuck in a bit of a rut of feeling like I’m not on the path I should be anymore. Am I doing what I really love? Am I doing something that makes me feel good and helps other people? I ask myself that every single day and it haunts me. Maybe that’s the traumatic experience I’ve gone through. Maybe it’s because I didn’t take a proper break when I finished up treatment in November. Regardless, it’s something I have to work hard on working through. And I will 
Some people have taken a hands off approach with me now, worrying about asking how I’m feeling or how things are going, because they think it will bother or upset me. It doesn’t, and it is appreciated. I’ve always appreciated all of your support, and the support from my friends and family. Without it, I’d be a goner.
I have a lot of great things left to do, and I’m working on a few personal projects:
- Dual books (my own and a childrens book about me and Ethan)
- A documentary
- A web based video series
- A web based project that has been in me for 3 years and is finally going to see the light of day. It will surprise and delight times a zillion.
- BlameCancer as an organization
Some of these things are being worked on when I have the time or can dedicate a part of my brain to them. Some of them I’ve found some help for. They’re all important to me.
Hang tight, more soon.